Dirty Little Sleeper

Okay.

I admit this...

I am a Class A #1 dirty little sleeper.

What does that mean?

I have poor sleep hygiene.

There now... I've said it.

"Hi. My name is Loretta, and I have poor sleep hygiene."

What is up with that term.... "sleep hygiene"?

The first time I heard this (and the ONLY time)... was from my rheumatologist.

He serenely told me to "practice good sleep hygiene" like I was some naughty girl deliberately swinging from the chandeliers in the middle of the night while downing high octane cups of coffee.

Ambien must have just bought his office staff a free lunch and handed out goodies.

My sleep pattern is a HUGE mess.

So I decided to be a good girl and study up on sleep hygiene.

Here are some tips from Stanford University regarding practicing "good sleep hygiene" (http://www.stanford.edu/~dement/howto.html).

Sit up.

Pay attention.

Please note the lupie rendition highlighted in red for your reading pleasure.


There might be a quiz on this later:

1. Sleep only when sleepy.

Okay...
so that means I should be sleeping about...
hmmm...
let me get my calculator here.
YES!
I should be sleeping 24 hours a day!
Phew.
Glad we got that issue cleared up.

2. If you can't fall asleep within 20 minutes, get up and do something boring until you feel sleepy.

Does tweezing your eyebrows and chin hairs count?

3. Don't take naps.

Nope... never... ever...YAWN....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

4. Get up and go to bed the same time every day.

Hmmm... what?
You talking to me?
Sorry...lupus fog here.
What day is it?

5. Refrain from exercise at least 4 hours before bedtime.

Wow!
I can really do this one!


6. Develop sleep rituals.

I prefer smudging my doorways with burnt dinner leftovers and prostrating myself before a rainbow colored chicken.


7. Only use your bed for sleeping.

Oh!
I am so not going to go there.

8. Stay away from caffeine, nicotine and alcohol at least 4-6 hours before bed .

Okay...
it is 6 pm...
Pay attention everyone !
Chug some coffee, have several martinis and smoke a pack... just make sure you finish by 7:00 p.m.

9. Have a light snack before bed.

Does chocolate count?

10. Take a hot bath 90 minutes before bedtime.

In the middle of Project Runway?!!!
NO WAY!

11. Make sure your bed and bedroom are quiet and comfortable.

Well....
that would mean buying a new mattress,
moving to a new neighborhood,
moving the cats out...
and the dog...
and...
this is getting so complicated.
I need a nap...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

12. Use sunlight to set your biological clock .

Lupies are allergic to the sun.
nyah, nyah.

And that is all I have to say about that.

:)


please note that the author's statements are opinions and should not be used as a substitute for medical advice and treatment... except for the chocolate... gotta have the chocolate....