But, this is exactly what happens when we must go through a dramatic change in our lives.
Initially, when a person encounters a health crisis, family and friends may be very understanding and helpful. But, there is an expectation behind the comforting.
Have you ever heard of the phrase "Get Well Soon"?
Of course you have.
Why do people say that?
Most people are well meaning. They are offering you their hopes that the suffering will be short lived; that your life will return to normal quickly.
But, some people unknowingly have a different intent with "Get Well Soon". They want you to heal... NOW! Right away because your challenge has also become their challenge. They are telling you to be your old self immediately because the changes you are going through are forcing them to change along with you.
Most people know the proper rituals for a period of illness. People will visit you, loved ones shuffle their schedules and pick up the extra work while you recuperate. Meals are dropped off at your home, people provide child care, the closest friends circle around your immediate family and protect all from extraneous stress.
Those are the rituals of a family crisis that has an end in sight. Eventually everyone returns to life as normal.
But, very few people know what to do about a chronic disabling life altering illness. The sense of ritual is lost. Very few of our family and friends are equipped with the experience, knowledge, and stamina required to cope with walking the journey with us.
People will start avoiding you. Some people will abandon you. They do not know how to cope with your challenges and they can not handle their inability to cope. Some people are unwilling to make the effort to learn more and try to understand. Some people were only a part of your life because you filled a need in theirs. Once you no longer fill that need, they wander away.
Those who stay with you encounter a profound loss.
You are grieving the loss of your life as you have known it...
and those living with you are grieving too.
Without a ritual to designate this experience as a time of mourning and restructuring...
the bowling ball tossing begins.
Think about the Kubler-Ross Five Stages of Grief and Loss:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
You are in all kinds of pain and fatigue, both physically and emotionally. You have depleted any reserves you have had within you. You need help in ways you have never needed it before. You feel you are trying the best you can. For some of us that may include Herculean efforts...
which often go unnoticed.
Why?
Because those who are living with you are grieving too. They are in shock. They are dragging themselves through each day just trying to survive. They are in denial. They think to themselves, "This can not be happening, this isn't real, things are going to go back to the way they used to be." They are angry. You may become the target of their anger.
So, you ask for help and you get smacked in the head with a bowling ball! You don't even see it coming and the pain cuts deep.
You may hear accusatory explanations for your health challenges:
"It's all those medications you are taking."
"You sleep too much."
"You are lazy."
"You're just using this as an excuse to get out of doing things."
"You're just trying to draw attention to yourself."
"You're a hypochondriac."
"Do it yourself."
Or the bowling ball is a passive-aggressive hit of "Okay, I'll get to that," but, the help never happens.
You feel like you are drowning.
And those living with you are probably feeling the same thing.
The bowling balls are "Don't Change" messages. These are messages of fear. These are messages of rejection, and painfully, threats of abandonment.
Like no other time in your life you will be driven down to your knees. You will be forced to surrender. Maybe this is the reason that some religions use kneeling as the posture for prayer.
Prayer is the ultimate spiritual surrender. Prayer is a surrender without defeat.
Surrender your ideas of who you are supposed to be. Surrender your ideas of how everyone else is supposed to be. Surrender yourself to sacred silence. Surrender yourself to prayer and in this surrender you will learn discernment. Empty yourself in order to be filled with all that is Holy. Empty yourself in order to be filled with the knowledge and power to move forward.
You must surrender to a holy power greater then yourself in order to get to where you need to be.
Where do you need to be?
In a place in which you are living in peace.
FINDING HELP:
Never surrender to bowling balls flying at you. Abuse in any form physical, mental, and/or verbal is never acceptable. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. And remember, it is never good to suffer in isolation and silence. There is help available for you.
Locate a Licensed Therapist
Hotline Phone Numbers & Links
Bloom Where You Are Planted Online Support at Facebook
REFERENCES:
New Testament, Luke: 11: 1-15
Claudia Black
Kubler-Ross Model
Prayer of Quiet - Catholic Encyclopedia
No comments:
Post a Comment