Sunday, September 5, 2004

Dear Dad,

My Dad passed on 14 years ago today. Every year when I come to this anniversary the day he died is fresh in my mind.I can not believe how time has moved on.


Dear Dad,
Hi...
it's me...
your noisy kid.
Your baby.
The one who sang and danced and followed you around like a little shadow.
So much has happened since you have been gone.
When you passed on, I was an unhappy, sick, lost woman.
When you died, I learned that life is short.
I learned that no one gets out of this world alive.
I learned that happiness is not guaranteed...
it is something that you have to work for.
I decided, Dad, that I wanted to be a happy person...
and now I am.
I have a wonderful, handsome loving husband. You would love him Dad...
he  would have made you laugh. He's got a great sense of humor.
I have a beautiful son.
When our Little Bear came home to us...
we visited your gravesite and I said to you Dad, "Meet Little Bear"...
and the moment those words left my mouth...
the sun flooded the sky out from behind the overcast clouds.
I like to remember that moment.
I felt like you were smiling at us...
our little family of three. Me, and Hubby, holding Little Bear in our arms...
your youngest grandson...
he only one you did not live to meet.
I paint a lot more now...
just like you used to.
I now can really appreciate the kerjillion times you would instruct me as a child to do this or that with my crayons and pencils. I didn't understand then that you were teaching me your gifts of art. I am proud now of the artist you were...
I am sorry I took that for granted.
I still watch Batman reruns when I can.
They remind me of our evenings...
me sitting next to you as you rested exhausted from working hard all day.
And I still love chocolate so much...
it brings back the happy memories of the little surprises you would bring home in your metal lunch box...
those miniature chocolate bars.
I still have your lunchbox.
I have let Hubby hold onto it..
.he stores his tools along with your old tools in there.
I wanted Hubby to feel a connection to you.
I keep the best parts of you and our life together in my heart.
As I age, as I struggle with failing health, as you did, as I learn how hard it is to just be a good human being and parent and spouse...
I let go of all the sadness that we shared.
I forgave a lot...
and I hope you have forgiven me for all the times I failed you...
I want to meet you in paradise...
sans baggage!
I still dream of you quite often.
I am happy for the dreams in which you are healthy...
like you never were in life, and when you instruct me and tell me things are going to be okay.
I like to think that somehow from where you are now, you have a hand in those dreams....
and that it is God's way of reassuring me that you are whole now, no longer shattered from your illnesses and emotional battles that were too hard for you to fight.
I play your favorite hymn "What a Friend We Have in Jesus".
Jesus is my pal too, Dad.
God, how I love you Daddy.
I watch my Little Bear as he shadows Hubby. And I can't help but recall how I shadowed you all the time...
always underfoot, always wanting to please you and be near you and to make you laugh and to make you feel proud of me...
your littlest of six girls.
When my time here is done, and God calls me home...
I expect you to be in the front of the line...
you owe me a lot of hugging.
I miss you, Daddy...
and I am thinking of you tonight.
Love,
Peanut



9 comments:

thebaabee said...

Dear Loretta,
So wonderful.  The anniversary of my Dad's passing will be 4 years in November.   I, too, cannot believe how time has moved on.  I, too, have  "I forgave a lot...and I hope you have forgiven me for all the times I failed you...I want to meet you in paradise...sans baggage...LOL! "  He shared a lot of what I have as well.  Although no one knew at the time.  Love you Sweetie....Lu

demandnlilchit said...

You're not alone in this sorrow...........I am yet another "Daddy's lil girl" out here missing mine! It's been 24 years of always wondering how we would of spent those years together? Beautiful tribute!

matkaja said...

Oh, Loretta!  I could see your tears rolling down your face as you missed your Dad.  As I wiped your face, put one arm around LuAnne's shoulders, another around Dem's, I felt all our Dad's smiling down at us..all healthy...all playing chess..cards...watching Batman reruns...whatever...but happy that their daughters were learning how to navigate this life, learning how to extract the happiness from the cards we were dealt. Making it ourselves.  Chosing to find it.  Chosing to make it.  Another great post.  A tribute to our Dads, who were not given the blessing of a healthy lifetime on earth, either.  Thanks, Loretta.

meanbeansuzay said...

lorretta... I really relate... I lost my dad on dec 5th of this year... man.. i really miss him.  I hope to think that I'll have those experiences when I have my family life... I really struggled with his death,  too sudden.  I think it's a beautiful thing to have seen him in your dreams, healthy & alive. I haven't seen dad in my dreams but my sisters have, and he too I guess looks healthy and happy.  It really helps to know that.
best of love and life to you...

MeanbeanSuzay  

merelyp said...

Beautifully done.  I am a sucker for dad tributes because, like you, I missed a lot of hugs.  someday i will write of that.  thank you

~~mumsy
http://journals.aol.com/merelyP/ArgumentAgainstGrowingUp

pollyredfeather said...

Loretta, this is a very sweet tribute to your dad and I know you can rest assured that when the two of you meet in Heaven, you will rekindle the special love shared between a daughter and a daddy.

Gentle Hugs,
PollyredfeatherParrot

lrttklly said...

Thank you so much, Polly Redfeather. :) Loretta

lrttklly said...

Hi MeanbeanSuzay,
    I am so sorry about your father passing on.
     I did not start dreaming about my dad until almost 10 years after his death. I think the grief became renewed when I became a parent. Not a sharp and despairing type of grief, but just a longing for my Dad to be present as I have entered a truly happy season in my life. I want to share that with him.
     The first full year of grieving is really hard...you spend most of that time in shock having trouble accepting the new reality of the death of your loved one. I will be thinking of you and your family , especially as you reach that first anniversary on December 5th.
   God bless you.


Loretta

lrttklly said...

Hey, "Polly"!
   I was so happy to see that you visited my journal. Thank you so much for your loving words.
    Have a Blessed day!
    :)
Loretta